Happiness Becomes the Family!
Good Fit
- Readers who approach family life from a religious-ethical perspective and want advice backed by verses and hadith
- Those who have read the author's «Mothers Who Don't Listen» and «Modesty Becomes the Young!»
- Couples wanting to explore religious literature before marriage
Not a Fit
- Anyone expecting a psychology-based, secular family-therapy book
- Readers looking for a contemporary, egalitarian approach to gender roles
- Those wanting a well-edited text with critically vetted sources
The preface sets the book's tone: if there is no peace in the family, one should «open one's hands to the Owner of peace», pray, and «not forget to write the address on the envelope». Images such as «happiness, like cowardice, is contagious» and «those who stand near rose-sellers smell of roses» are heartfelt. But editing problems appear straight away: Kierkegaard's name is spelled «Kierkegoord», and a quote is taken from a film whose title the author cannot remember.
«Becoming a Family» begins with the wisdom of humans being created male or female, then sharply criticises «Western thought»: after listing definitions of the human being by Descartes, André Gide, «Emile Durchhieb» (Durkheim), Camus and Marx, it concludes that «the West has killed all the values that make us human by turning people into objects». This generalisation is backed neither by argument nor by sources, and the saying «man is a wolf to man» (Plautus, Hobbes) is wrongly attached to the list. The second half of the piece — the home as «a place of peace and tranquillity», love and mercy as the two conditions of family — is more coherent.
«Compatibility in Marriage (Kafa'a)» explains the jurisprudential concept of compatibility — religion, lineage, free status, profession, wealth — and then stresses that in the Qur'an compatibility is sought mainly in faith and morals, underlining human equality with the verse «the noblest of you in the sight of God is the most God-conscious». Strikingly, the same piece quotes without comment a hadith to the effect that «a pious slave woman with part of her nose cut off, pierced ears and black skin is better than a free, beautiful woman who is not pious» — wording that is disturbing to today's reader and at odds with the author's message of equality.
In «The Man's Role: Being Qawwam», the word qawwam is explained etymologically as «one who protects, manages and bears responsibility», and the Prophet's saying «the best of you are those who are best to their families» is emphasised. Verse 34 of Surat an-Nisa, however, is cut short with an ellipsis, and its continuation — the part most debated today — is not addressed at all; the word «nushuz» is glossed as «casting one's eyes on someone else». This choice reflects the author's moderate reading, but readers interested in the subject learn nothing about the range of existing interpretations.
The most useful parts are «Does Love Have a Language?» and «Divorce». The first combines, without naming it, Gary Chapman's idea of the «five love languages» (quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, physical touch) with Qur'anic verses. The second presents divorce as «the most disliked of permitted things in God's sight», gives concrete information on the waiting period, not taking back the dowry, and the woman's right to divorce (khul'), and quotes Nevin Meriç's observation that «when men start earning money, the first thing they do is leave their wives, while women go to court when they face poverty and violence». Yet the hadith at the start of the piece — «the Throne shakes at divorce» — is among the narrations hadith scholars regard as very weak.
The book's final piece — «Is Sexuality Only About the Bedroom?» — is positive in urging readers not to make the subject taboo, but its claims are simplified: it says oxytocin arises «only through healthy sexuality», that women who do not find sexual happiness will suffer more «gynaecological illnesses and headaches», and it calls serotonin a «hormone». In the end the book is a sincere and occasionally useful collection of advice for religious readers, but the author's training in psychology and sex therapy is barely reflected in the text.
- Nearly forty short, self-contained pieces
- Qur'anic and hadith footnotes on every page, with short quote boxes in the margins
- Brief examples from the author's counselling experience
The same author's collection of short pieces for parents — reviewed on our site
From the same series, a religious advice book for young people — reviewed on our site
The original source of the «love languages» idea the author uses without naming it
The last piece read, «Is sexuality only the bedroom?», is positive in recommending that the subject not be made taboo, but its claims are simplified: it says oxytocin is produced «only through healthy sexuality», that women who do not experience sexual happiness will suffer «more female ailments and headaches», and calls serotonin a «hormone».
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