The Confidence Gap

Hayes's foreword states the main idea of the book: our inner world is not logical but psychological; throwing a rotting piece of food into the bin works, but doing the same to our deepest fears does not. People with confidence problems are like animals caught in a trap; most think the problem comes from themselves, not from the trap. Hayes tells the reader «you are lucky»: you know you are in a trap and there is a scientifically proven way out. The book helps you see «the gap between lack of confidence and being able to do what works».

In the introduction Russ Harris asks: if you had a little more confidence, how would your life change? He has worked with thousands of people: their lack of confidence is not their fault but their not knowing «the rules of the confidence game»; society gives us the wrong rules — visualisation, self-hypnosis, affirmations, challenging negative thoughts. These strategies reduce fear in the short term but do not give lasting confidence, because they are all based on the wrong rules. The new approach is ACT's «psychological flexibility»: three mindfulness skills (cognitive defusion, expansion, focus), values and committed action.

Harris also tells his own story: at medical school he was extremely anxious in social situations, began to rely on alcohol and in the third year was taken to hospital by ambulance with alcohol poisoning; he was so afraid of rejection that he could not ask a girl out without being drunk, and they said yes only when drunk; he failed his exams two years in a row. When he began work as a young doctor his hands sweated, the insides of latex gloves filled with sweat and dermatitis developed. In the end he learned and changed: today he socialises with confidence, drinks very little, writes books and speaks all over the world.

Chapter 1 «Why Bother?» asks: imagine that you magically have all the confidence you could wish for but nothing in your life changes — would that satisfy you? Hundreds of people have said «no», because confidence is wanted for a purpose. The author gives the answers of a range of people (writing the novel, starting online dating, opening a second restaurant, being braver) and invites the reader to consider the questions. Then he shows the difference between values (the desired qualities of ongoing action, a «compass») and goals (desired outcomes, «places to visit»): acting on values is like «heading west», you never reach a place called «west».

• The introduction is built on the metaphor of the «confidence game»: wrong rules and right rules
• The author draws close to the reader by openly telling his own weaknesses (alcohol, social anxiety, sweating)
• The book consists of five parts and the task of each is shown briefly in the introduction
• The reader is regularly given instructions to «stop and look at your thoughts», and the book turns from passive reading into active participation