Emotional Vampires
Good Fit
- Readers who meet someone at the office, in the family or in a relationship who always leaves them tired and drained and want to understand why
- Those who like short, practical explanations of difficult people in a «which type, which reaction» logic
- Anyone who wants the subject as popular psychology written with humour and a horror-film aesthetic
Not a Fit
- Readers who want scientific psychological literature and clinical diagnostics: the book is in a self-help style and simplifies the types
- People who want to give relatives a personality-disorder «diagnosis»: the author states that the checklists are not medical diagnoses
- Anyone in a dangerous or violent relationship: the book teaches boundary setting, but such cases need expert support and a safety plan
The book opens with a Dracula parody: lights burn in Carfax Abbey, people gossip, strange creatures move through the mist at night. Then Count Dracula introduces himself and the author tells the reader that «emotional vampires» drain not blood but your emotional energy; they may be on your street, in your office, in your family, even in your bed. Albert J. Bernstein first draws a portrait that is both charming and exhausting: at first glance they look better than ordinary people, and the more you know them the more confusion they cause.
The author clarifies the metaphor: there is nothing supernatural about emotional vampires, it is «clinical psychology in a witch's costume». They are what psychologists call people with «personality disorders»; they drive others, not themselves, crazy. Of eleven diagnoses, five are the ones most often met in everyday life: antisocial, histrionic (dramatic), narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid. Even when these vampires are not sick enough to be diagnosed, they are «babies who look like adults»: they want everyone to attend only to them, to be loved perfectly and to give nothing in return.
The five types are introduced briefly. For the antisocial vampire the addiction is excitement: in a world of Toyotas they are Ferraris, they win over those around them quickly but are not reliable. Dramatic vampires live for attention and approval, everything is a show. Narcissistic vampires think they are the best in the world and do not think of others at all. Obsessive-compulsive vampires seek security through detail and control and fear surprise. Paranoid vampires think everyone is after them and look for deviation in everything.
The chapter «Maturity and Sanity» rests on three behaviours: a sense of control (what I do has consequences), a sense of connection (others are like me, you get what you give, there is a boundary) and taking on hard things. Vampires fail at all three. The author rejects theories that explain why the vampire is like this (brain chemistry, childhood trauma): knowing the cause does not solve anything, and it presents the vampire as a «victim». The main advice: treat the vampire as you would a two-year-old — set boundaries, be consistent, keep the lecturing to a minimum.
- The Dracula metaphor builds the whole structure of the book, its titles («Children of the Night», «Dark Forces») and its humour
- Each type is presented in the same mould: «what is it like to live with them», a short sample dialogue, a checklist, a «10-point strategy»
- The behaviour described in the sample dialogues is everyday (boss, partner, colleague), so the reader quickly recognises themselves and those around them
- The language is plain and conversational; heavy terms are given with short explanations
The same author's sequel on difficult people in the workplace
A classic on the repeated games people play in relationships
A more serious and practical book on control and abuse in relationships
At the end of the part read the author tells the reader that everyone has a little of every type and no one has all of them; the most difficult people are a mixture of two or three types. «If you come across yourself among the vampires, don't be upset, it is a good sign: finding yourself is much better than not knowing it at all». What follows is outside the scope of this review.
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