I Love You With Your Fears
Good Fit
- Parents whose child is afraid of the dark, of sleeping alone or of night terrors
- Parents who want to understand whether their child's fear is normal
- Readers looking for a short, plainly written child-psychology book supported by diagrams
- Anyone who likes practical exercises that can be played with the child
Not a Fit
- Those seeking a treatment plan for a child with a clinical phobia or trauma
- Readers who want to see the scientific source for every claim
- Anyone expecting deep theoretical analysis: the book is mainly practical and simple
The first chapter presents fear not as an enemy but as a natural signal that helps us survive. The author defines fear as «the feeling felt in the face of a danger or the thought of a danger», lists bodily signs such as a pounding heart, sweating and dilated pupils, and writes that fear is tied to the brain's limbic system. In her view a child who fears nothing is not «brave» but passive and careless; fear fulfils functions such as self-protection, preparation for danger and developing the capacity for judgement.
The book's most moving example is the story of the twin brothers Tomás and Pablo, adopted from Bolivia. The twins woke screaming at night and hid under the bed; the parents thought they were seeking attention. The author investigates and learns that the children had been buried under rubble in an earthquake in Bolivia and are frightened of the faintest noises. This knowledge changes the parents' attitude: they begin to try to understand the children, to react in the same way every time and to keep control of the situation like «the captain of a ship».
The book then shows in a table how fear changes with age: at one year fear of strangers, at two to three of the dark and animals, at four to five of witches and imaginary creatures, at seven to eight fear of death, injury and exams predominates. What girls and boys fear is often the same; the difference is in how it is expressed: a girl cries and runs to her mother while a boy is forced to hide his fear. The author separates fear from anxiety (the bodily reactions to fear) and from phobia (uncontrollable fear, a state that disrupts social life).
The second chapter is the practical part: first to find out whether there is a real problem behind the fear, asking about the child's daily routine, temperament and recent changes (moving house, a younger sibling, parents' separation, the move to school). Then, based on the methods of Wolpe and Jacobson, a «fear ladder», progressive relaxation and a bedtime exercise with the image of a «magnet» under the bed are presented, and for children aged 3–9 the «Heroes' Club» game. The chapter ends with do and don't lists (for example not threatening «I'll give you to the dustman» and not mocking the child for being afraid).
- Each chapter is built from a short explanation, tables and do/don't lists
- Real clinical stories (the twins, Carolina) bring the theory to life
- The ship-and-captain metaphor shows the parent's role clearly
- Scientific references are few and claims are often given without sources
A practical parenting book explaining a child's emotions through brain development
A classic guide to communicating with a child and accepting feelings
The second chapter ends with the lists «10 Practical Tips for Driving Fear Away» and «What You Should Not Do»: the parent must first accept the child's fear, not compare the child with others and not force the child to face it alone. At the end a chart is given for telling real fear from imaginary fear, and the next chapter turns to conscious and imaginary fears.
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