Mothers Who Don’t Listen
Good Fit
- Parents who want to break the habit of shouting and punishment
- Readers who like books of short, self-contained pieces to read a little each day
- Families raising children abroad — pieces such as «Raising Children in Europe» are especially for them
Not a Fit
- Anyone looking for a science-based parenting guide with proper sources
- Readers sensitive to a judgemental tone about working parents and nurseries
- Those expecting a book systematically organised by topic
The title piece opens with a good story: the author's publisher saw a mother in a restaurant get angry when her two-year-old spilled a bottle, saying «this child never listens». The author's question is simple and effective: is the one not listening the two-year-old, or the mother? The sentence «for us mothers, the easiest way out is to blame children who don't listen» sums up the book's whole philosophy. The piece also quotes a saying attributed to Rumi — «whatever you say, what you say is only as much as the other person understands» — and briefly lists nine reasons we misunderstand one another.
The two pieces on shouting are the most useful part of the book. The author calls shouting «the easiest sign of our helplessness», the simplest but least effective weapon for showing children our power: a child who is shouted at does not ultimately give up the behaviour, but gradually loses self-confidence, develops a constant defensive reflex, and may even come to resent the parent. At the same time she understands parents: tired, financially stretched mothers and fathers are not robots and do shout, but noticing it and apologising is a great virtue. A story about an Indian sage — «when people are angry their hearts grow distant, so they shout» — makes the idea memorable.
«I-Messages» shows the difference between «you-messages» and «I-messages» with concrete examples: instead of «You're so rude, you always interrupt me», «I feel very uncomfortable when I can't finish what I'm telling you». Advice such as getting down to the child's eye level, speaking softly, admitting one's helplessness and asking the child for help is simple and practical. But the same piece presents the famous figures — «55 per cent of communication is body language, 38 per cent tone of voice and only 7 per cent words» — as a general truth, when that result comes from limited laboratory experiments about feelings and attitudes and cannot be applied to all communication.
«The Flesh Is Yours, the Bones Are Mine» shows both the book's greatest strength and its greatest weakness. The strength: the author openly rejects the culture of «where the teacher strikes, roses grow»; the story of a Turkish father in Germany handing his child over to the teacher with «Fleisch dir, Knochen mir», and the teacher replying «I'm not a cannibal», is both funny and thought-provoking, and the book says firmly that beating, humiliation and threats achieve nothing. The weakness: the same piece presents as evidence an «experiment» in which water spoken to kindly forms beautiful crystals while water exposed to scolding forms ugly shapes — a claim not confirmed by science and widely regarded as pseudoscience.
Other pieces show a similar mix. «Raising Children in Europe» has interesting thoughts on the importance of the mother tongue, but the advice not to teach another language before age three is given as the author's personal experience and does not fully match current research on bilingual upbringing. «Don't Punish Me with Rewards» rightly criticises trying to make up for lack of time with expensive toys, but generalisations such as nursery teachers «paid just to play, taking our children's most productive years from us» seem unfair.
In the end the book is a heartfelt collection born of a sincere mother's and counsellor's experience: its thoughts on the harm of shouting, hitting and humiliation, on listening to children and on «I-messages» are useful to any parent. But it is not a scientific guide — some of its «research» is unsourced or pseudoscientific, and its tone towards working parents is judgemental. It is best read as short pieces for daily reflection, with concrete parenting decisions checked against more reliable sources.
- Nearly ninety short, self-contained pieces
- Stories, parables and examples from the author's counselling practice
- References to German and Turkish literature in some pieces
The same author's religious advice book for young people — reviewed on our site
A child psychiatrist's scientific approach to a difficult topic in parent–child communication — reviewed on our site
A practical guide to adolescence for parents — reviewed on our site
In the piece «The meat is yours, the bones are mine» the author openly opposes the culture of «where the teacher hits, a rose grows»; the story of a Turkish father in Germany handing his child to the teacher with «Fleisch dir, Knochen mir» and the teacher's reply, «I am not a cannibal», is both funny and thought-provoking. The piece shows the harm of beating, insult and threat.
If you see a problem, write to us. Publisher, author, rights holder, or just a reader — it doesn't matter. If there's something problematic about copyright in this review, if the review's author has broken the site's rules, or if you simply have a suggestion or complaint, hey@kitabdanevar.com. We'd rather resolve this between ourselves than go to court: we review requests within 48 hours and, if needed, correct or fully remove the review.
