Positive Discipline A–Z

Part one compares three parenting styles: the «Boss» (all the power), the overly lenient «Doormat» type (the child is the centre of the universe) and the «kind and firm» parent. The first lean on punishment, the second on rescuing the child, and the third respects both the child and themselves. The authors say many parents feel guilt because they are either too controlling or too lenient. The solution is to change oneself: even a small change in you will affect the child's behaviour.

The principle «decide what you will do first, then do it» is explained through examples. A mother struggling with her 11-month-old during a diaper change falls silent and waits for the baby to stop squirming. Another mother announces that she will say everything once, and gradually the children begin to listen to her more attentively. A father tells his children he is available to help with homework every evening between seven and nine, and says «this time you are on your own» to those who come at 9:30.

Under «Don't talk, show with your actions», the authors say that more than 75% of problems with small children would disappear if parents talked less. Instead, they recommend giving up questions like «Do you want to put on your seat belt?», being able to say «It's time to put our seat belts on», and speaking with eye contact. «Follow through» has six steps: focus attention on the problem, respect the feeling, say what is to be done, find a solution together, explain your feelings and limits, support the decision with action. The main example is Shelly, who disturbs the mother whenever the mother is on the phone.

The section «Information instead of punishment and learning from mistakes» argues that there is no place for punishment in Positive Discipline. According to the authors, punishment creates anger or guilt in a child, and breeds the thought «I am a bad child» or «I'll show you». Examples: when juice is spilled, «let's clean it up together»; when a child plays roughly with the dog, separate them and say «you can wait until you are both ready to play more gently». This part refers to «hundreds of studies» but does not name them.

The section «Develop your communication skills» explains asking «curious» questions (what happened? what did you learn?), reflective listening, naming feelings, keeping the lips closed while listening, and saying «I notice» instead of trap questions. In the example of a child whose bicycle is stolen, the mother accepts the feeling instead of lecturing and leaves room for the child to reach their own conclusion. «Realistic expectations», «family meetings» (weekly, starting with compliments and an agenda, fifteen minutes to an hour), «limited choices» and «limits» (like the railings of a bridge) are also explained.

The last part of chapter one that was read covers natural and logical consequences and routines. A natural consequence is getting wet in the rain; a logical consequence is decided together with the child: to a child who forgets a lunch box, «I'm sorry, maybe your friends will share»; to a teenager who does not fill the tank, no use of the car. For routines, a bedtime chart with photographs is suggested: as the child finishes each task, they paste on their own photo, and the reminder is the question «what's next on your chart?»

• Every principle is explained through short real examples and ready-made sentences
• A simple comparison of parent types («Boss», «Doormat», kind and firm)
• The question «what did the child learn?» shows the result in each section
• An introduction that presents the book as a reference you will want to «hang around your neck»