The Reality Slap
Good Fit
- People who have lost someone close, or received a heavy blow such as illness or job loss, and are stuck there
- Those tired of slogans like «think positive» who look for a more honest approach
- Anyone who wants to see ACT and the self-compassion approach in plain language
Not a Fit
- Anyone in a severe psychological crisis seeking urgent professional help: the book does not replace therapy
- Anyone seeking «you can get everything you want» type motivation: the author openly rejects this approach
- Anyone expecting a quick, one-session solution: the book shows the process step by step
The introduction asks: when did you last take a reality slap? Russ Harris describes these «slaps» broadly: blows like the death of a loved one, serious illness, betrayal and bankruptcy, but also gentler slaps like jealousy, loneliness and rejection. The slap is only the beginning; it is followed by the «reality gap»: the chasm between the reality we live and the reality we want. The bigger the gap, the greater the pain, and although the slap passes quickly the gap may last for years.
The author distinguishes two kinds of self-help book: one claims you can get everything you want, the other that you can lead a rich life even if you cannot have everything. This book is the second: Bill Gates and the Buddha did not have everything they wanted either. Harris shows the difference between «outer fulfilment» (making reality fit our wishes) and «inner fulfilment» (a deep peace and vitality that can be lived even in the face of a big gap) and says that the book focuses on inner fulfilment. With the parable of the three blind men and the elephant he says that each chapter shows one side of ACT.
Chapter 1 begins with Harris's personal story: approaching forty everything was going well; his first book was about to be published, he had an eleven-month-old son. When his son was eighteen months old he was not walking and spoke little; five days before he turned two, he was diagnosed with autism. The author writes: «My world fell apart. I had never felt such pain in my life.» Then Kübler-Ross's stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are briefly explained and it is stressed that they are not linear.
In the second half of the chapter Harris sets out the method of the book as four steps: 1) be kind to yourself; 2) drop anchor (steady yourself in the emotional storm; it does not stop the storm); 3) take a stand («which side am I on in this crisis?»); 4) find the treasure (the value buried beneath the pain). The fourth step is explained with the example of a friend who lost his three-year-old daughter: while making room for his grief, the friend did not lose touch with his family, work and creativity. The chapter ends with the call «Leave your mind to itself».
- The author uses his own story (his son's autism diagnosis) as a frame and illustrates each principle with it
- The «four steps» are given in the first chapter as a short map and show in advance the structure of the following chapters
- The parable of the three blind men and the elephant explains the chapter-by-chapter structure of the book
- The language is plain and conversational; complex terms are given with short explanations
The same author's well-known book applying ACT to everyday life
A book on resilience after loss and hardship combining a personal story with the scientific approach
A book that proposes staying beside grief without trying to «fix» it
At the end of the part read Harris notes that the reader's mind will object saying «this won't help me» and says he will not try to convince it: the likelihood that this approach will help you is high, but he cannot guarantee it; if you stop reading just because your mind says «this won't work», you will certainly gain nothing from this book. What follows is outside the scope of this review.
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